Blogging about the Sweetest Things in Life

Reflections on the extraordinary moments of an ordinary Mother.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Bad Relationship Advice

I saw a recent facebook posting that went something like this:

"There are only three things you need to know about a woman.

#1. You have to know the truth of a woman.

And this is that truth...,,

Every man she has ever loved in her life has hurt her! They have abused her verbally, physically, mentally, or emotionally! Or all the above. Because if any of them had treated her right, then she wouldn't be available for you! It's not her fault she doesn't trust you! She can't! At least not yet!

I know that's hard to understand so I made him read a posting that I keep on my phone.
This is what it says....

If you tell her she's beautiful, on the outside she's going to smile, probably even blush, and tell you thanks. But on the inside? She's going to think.... "How"? She's going to come up with a thousand reasons why she's not. She's going to try to convince herself that your lying, or just being nice. And eventually she will succeed. She's going to continue to believe she's not beautiful. But if you stay, and keep telling her, then maybe, eventually, she might just start believing!

And that means so much more than what it says.... but it's so true! At this point, most women have forgotten how to fall in Love. Remember when you were 16 and in Love! That's Love! Deep down you might know its not gonna last, but no one in the world could convince you that it's not gonna last forever! Remember how awesome that was? That's all she wants! That's all she needs! She wants to give her whole self to someone! Someone she just craves like an addiction! So how do you get her to feel that way about you? Well that's number two!

#2. Make her feel wanted!

All she wants from you is..... YOU! She wants you to want her! Only her! Never stop doing the things that made her fall in Love with you! Most people get lazy or content in a relationship! So they stop doing the little things. But it's those little things that build Love! A smile from across the room just because you caught a glimpse of her. Stare at her like you used to, and when she says "what", tell her how beautiful she is! I mean you tried so hard to get her... So Try even harder to keep her! It only takes five seconds to say thanks, or I Love you Babe! And you know what? Sometimes saying nothing means so much more than you could ever say! Make her feel it! Stop her mid sentence with a kiss! A real kiss! Or brush the hair from her eyes as you stare into them! Hold her hand just because you want to! And never ever forget, the more you give, the more you get back!

I've Loved, and I've lost Love! And it makes me so sad to see people fall out of Love! I see so many relationships fail because people are scared! Scared of failure! They're afraid of letting themselves be judged by someone else! So when they start dating someone, it's all fake! They pretend to be someone they're not, just to impress! But then they wander why it didn't last, or what they've done wrong! I hear people say all the time, "well you've just changed". No! You just stopped pretending! And your not that person you made them fall in Love with! You never were! So I'll say that number three is probably the most important one of all.....

#3. Be who you really are!

Never pretend! And know this.... You can never really Love someone, if you can't Love yourself! You have to Love the heart your trying to give, If you want them to Love "all of you", then you have to give them "all of you" to Love!"

OK the author should have realized they were in trouble from the get go with a statement like "There are only three things you need to know about a woman. "  Now if this poor soul was a man, I feel for him trying to make sense of the women in his life, but let me set the record straight from my female perspective.  

#1  "Every man she has ever loved in her life has hurt her!"  How horribly tragic, and completely untrue.  First of all lets start with the man who will set the basis for her expectations in how men should behave, her Father.  Fathers, and those that fill that role in a girls life, have an extraordinary responsibility to nurture their Daughters self worth and subsequently their ability to choose a partner wisely.   Entire books have been written to expound on this, my favorite being "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters" by Dr. Meg Meeker.

So let's assume for a moment that the original post was referring only to the men she's loved romantically.  Double ugh!  I suppose this depends a bit on what type of "love" we're talking about.  If we're talking about the hormonally charged, butterfly stomach, first six months "new love" stage, then this statement is just sad.  I have dated plenty of great guys, who didn't hurt me verbally, physically, mentally, or emotionally.  I am not married to most of them!  As a matter of fact that was one of the larger take away lessons I've learned, 'he doesn't have to be a bad guy to not be the right match for you.'  There are a ton of really great men out there, the key is knowing what makes a good match for you and having the confidence and compassion to know when to let go of a relationship that doesn't fit.  It takes some time, and a lot of thought to have a good handle on your expectations in a relationship, (see above).   Trust me, it's easy to talk yourself into holding on too long to a good person who may not be the right fit.  But for heavens sake, suggesting that any available woman is unable to trust because she's so emotionally damaged from all the horrible men in her life???  Oy!   I hope that's the rare exception, not the rule.  

For the record, now that I'm some 15-20 years beyond this I still call some of these very guys my friends.  Many have beautiful wives and children and it makes me smile, and proves my point. 

Let's call the next premise #1b " If you tell her she's beautiful...She's going to come up with a thousand reasons why she's not."  My knee jerk reaction is to yell "RUN" at the top of my lungs.   That's honestly a valid choice here and you should at least consider it.  You shouldn't have to stay with someone to constantly try to convince self worth into them.  Let's skip ahead to #3 for a moment, "You can never really Love someone, if you can't Love yourself!"  is there any reason this shouldn't be appropriate for both parties?  But let's give this woman the benefit of the doubt for a moment, much has been written about female self confidence or lack thereof so let's assume she just needs a boost in this area.  There's nothing wrong with being more specific about what you love or enjoy about someone.  More then just "you're beautiful" how about, "I love the way you x,y,z"  and be very specific, not just about physical characteristics, but actions and attitudes as well.  "I love how thoughtful you are to people who are hurting."  But if she meets every compliment you give her with a dozen reasons why she doesn't deserve them, you may be facing more then just humility, you may be facing Princess syndrome.

How about #1c  "At this point, most women have forgotten how to fall in Love. Remember when you were 16 and in Love! That's Love! Deep down you might know its not gonna last, but no one in the world could convince you that it's not gonna last foreverNo, that wasn't love, that was 90% hormonally charged lust.  OK maybe 95%.   She hasn't forgotten how to love, seriously people.  Hopefully she's becoming more diligent about what her needs and expectations in a partner are and is becoming more discerning!

#2 "Make her feel wanted!"  I'm not going to argue much with this one.  Everyone does well when they feel valued and appreciated; employees, children, friends, and lovers too.  I've always been a fan of Dr. Laura's suggestion that your treat your spouse like you are dating.  That includes plenty of hugs, kisses and hand holding by the way.

#3  " Be who you really are!"   Well that goes without saying doesn't it?  It should!   The only thing I will add is not to neglect your self identity for the sake of the relationship, and don't let her do that either.  If you have a passion for mountain climbing, don't give it up to spend every single weekend together.  That will only lead to a building resentment of the relationship and  anger with  yourself and perhaps displaced anger at her.   Use care and consciousness to maintain your personal passions.  You may share them with your partner, encourage them in theirs, and/or develop new ones together.  Believe me, this is just the beginning of learning to balance needs;  work, personal, spiritual, spousal,  and family.  

Welcome to life beyond the individual.  Just please be diligent of how you choose to travel this path, and with whom. 

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